King For a Day
by Jonas Knutsson
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Six days a week Viddi Golbranson would put in an appearance at The Palooka Bar and never leave before closing time. But if offered to partake on the Sabbath he would be offended: “Only winos drink on Sundays.” Viddi was affable enough but a bit of a challenge to be around, given his annoying habit of hanging on to your clothes as he held forth on some subject. Once in a while Viddi would tug too often or too hard and Hulk the bouncer had to escort him outside as Viddi continued his discourse.
Viddi was usually on his best behavior at the Palooka, until his fifth or sixth g and t, as he had been barred from all the other bars in town, as well as two cafés and a sporting goods store. Joe the owner had a soft spot for him. That time Joe was down on the dumps, Viddi would drink with him into the wee hours, never leaving Joe’s liquor cabinet during that whole ordeal. By calling Joe’s ex-mother-in-law a polka-dot gorilla when she came over for the Maytag dryer, Viddi made a friend for life.
In bleak December, when drinking becomes more soulful and determined, Hulk’s mother had to have her gallstones removed and Hulk would be away for the weekend. Rhino, Hulk’s usual replacement, was also out of town because of some judicial misunderstanding. Viddi came in early that evening and was nursing a Bud and a chaser in front of Joe as Joe wondered who to call. His brother-in-law, Weeping Willy, couldn’t evict an octogenarian yoga teacher and his best friend Jimmy the Gent wasn’t allowed within fifty feet of a whisky bottle these days.
“Strapped for cash, Viddi?”
“I’ll take care of if next...what do you mean? I don’t owe you a dime.”
“How would you like a $100 credit?”
“You mean here?”
“Where else?”
“You want me to clean the joint?”
“No, I need you to bounce for a couple of nights.”
“I’m a lover, not a fighter.”
“$120. Just show anyone making a nuisance of himself the door. You know the drill. Hulk’s kicked you out often enough.”
“You’ve got it.”
Viddi marched out.
Joe had no idea where Viddi had gone off to but thought he’d spotted a strange gleam in Viddi’s eyes as he stormed through the door.
Two hours later the usually dapper Viddi came back wearing a beat-up leather jacket, faded jeans and construction boots. His hair was combed back with a jarful of brilliantine and his eyes had a steely determination which would have worried Captain Ahab. More than anything there was some eerie change in Viddi’s demeanor, some subtle metamorphosis had taken place but Joe couldn’t quite put his finger on it.
“Reporting for duty.“ This wasn’t Viddi’s regular voice but a more gruff one, two octaves lower. Then it dawned on Joe. He had never seen Viddi in this state before. There was that disconcerting clarity in his eyes.
Viddi was sober.
Viddi took his position by the door and it was business as usual. Hardly a minute was gone when Viddi stepped off his stool, grabbed a swell by the scruff of his neck and bulldozed the customer outside. The shopworn lady in the leopard coat who had been sitting opposite the fancyman seemed to be remonstrating his eviction rather than berating her companion for some ungentlemanly transgression. The fop objected vociferously but otherwise offered no resistance.
Joe did not inquire further into the matter, to his regret.
Not fifteen minutes passed before Viddi managed to get an older gentleman in a cardigan and golf pants in a half-Nelson and proceeded to drag the contorted client towards the door. When Viddi came back in pleased as Punch Joe asked what the guy had been up to.
“He was starting an argument.”
“Did he offend anyone?”
“In a sense, no, but I decided to err on the side of caution.”
“Take it easy, Viddi.”
“No problem, boss.”
Joe knew he was in trouble when Viddi called him “boss”.
Viddi was breathing down the neck of a couple of College Joes who were trying to have an intimate conversation when he suddenly turned.
“You do that again and you’re out of here, pronto.”
No one knew what the customer’s faux pas had been but the patron slipped out, blushing.
The ra-ra boys could speak more freely with Viddi attending to other affairs.
“Was that Joe Cocker?”
“Dude’s got mental health issues.”
Viddi had barely taken his eyes off the man’s back when he darted to the pool table.
“Not on my watch, you don’t.”
“What’s up,Viddi?”
“That stuff with the ashtray.”
“What stuff?”
“You just don’t do that...in public.”
Beardy and Shadow looked hurt but said nothing.
“I saw that. On your bike.”
“What’d I do? What’d I do?”
Viddi already had the corpulent man’s hand behind his back and was marching him out.
“Have you no shame?”
“Don’t like his shoes, Viddi?” rumbled The Cadaver without turning around as they passed him.
“He was groping that lady.”
“She’s my girlfriend for Christ’s sake. I had my arm around her waist.”
“One thing leads to another. You’re out for now but welcome back for happy hour.”
Viddi threw the man out into the street.
He decided to guard the door better, outside. The riffraff was streaming in this evening, it being the first weekend of the month.
“No, no, no.”
“How’s it going, Viddi?”
“You know how you get.”
“Get what?”
“With wine.”
Viddi and Magnus the Murderer had once kidnapped Giggles the kangaroo from the zoo. Their “borrowed” ride ended in the middle of a football field that night and both had won a large settlement from the owners of the stadium by means of legal maneuvers understood only by Libbi the Shyster.
“I’m driving.”
“Can’t risk it. Pandemonium in there already.”
“Come on, I’m with a client. Just a club soda.”
“We have the other customers to think of.”
“But I’ve been on the wagon for three years. Hey, let me go...”
Half an hour later some lady Viddi had thrown out for sweet nothing took a swing at him in the doorway just as Johnny the Gent stepped out. Johnny took it flush it on the chin.
Johnny’s brother Bimbo had procured Joe’s liquor licence.
“There are two ways of going about this. You do my bidding or bounce.”
“What is it now Viddi?”
“He was leaning on the table. One of these days it’s going to break and I will not shoulder the blame.”
The Cadaver was laughing so hard that his entire torso was splayed across the table.
“I’m evicting you from the premises forthwith.”
Joe went over to placate The Cadaver, one of his most valued customers, but couldn’t get a word in edgewise as the Cadaver was convulsed with laughter.
Before Joe could finish his mitigation with a double Balantines’ on the house, a ruckus broke out by the bathroom entrance.
Viddi had someone on the floor this time.
“He was trying to sneak into the ladies.”
“I am a lady, you moron.”
The woman had thick glasses and close-cropped hair. Her neck was kind of thick for a lady, Joe had to admit.
But Viddi was defiant:
“This is not that kind of a bar.”
Then Joe remembered she was one of the cops who had arrested Rhino at Barbie’s.
Big-Timer, The Cadaver, Beardy, and Shadow were looking at Joe.
“OK, get it over with.”
Big-Timer, The Cadaver, Beardy, and Shadow grabbed Viddi by his hands and feet.
I’ll bar the lot of you for life.”
They held Viddi down at the bar table and poured Jack Daniels down his gob.
“You’re on the list of the damned.”
There was a round of applause all over the Palooka Bar.
When they had poured the whole bottle down his hole, Shadow and Beardy took Viddi and threw him into the street.
“You’ll be sucking eggs in Hoboken by the time I’m done with you.”
Shadow and Beardy took turns minding the door. There wasn’t an awful lot to do aside from keeping Viddi out and giving him a perfunctory clobbering when he tried to body-search some Swedish exchange students on entry, invoking The Patriot Act.
Viddi was back the next evening, with his usual trench coat, smart suit and Harrods tie. He cornered some rube and started a lengthy account about his exploits as a bartender in Las Palmas, Spain. Viddi hung on to the man’s coattails and tugged for dear life as the punter tried to disengage himself while Viddi was lighting a cigarette.
The gentleman’s name was Edward Hemingway jr. His girlfriend of three weeks, Stella “just Stella”, had broken up with him after he’d failed to stand up for himself when that Bedlamite threw him out last night. Stella “just Stella” had gone home with Mercy Beaucoup and not been seen since.
“Where’s that damn bouncer when you need him?” Edward asked petulantly and couldn’t understand why everyone was laughing and wanted to buy him a drink as that pesky fellow hung on to his coattails and rambled on.
©2005 By Jonas Knutsson ----------------------------------------------------------------
Jonas Knutsson - cv
B.A. Major: Latin. Minor: English lit. B.F.A. New York University. Major: Film and Television
Main Publications Agricola. Translation, preface, and footnotes. Published by The Literary Society November 20 1998. The History of Philosophy. Translated excerpts from the works of Thomas Aquinas and Thomas Hobbes. Published in August 1999. Publisher: University Press. Roman Films: Article in a compendium book on cinema studies, The World of Film. Published in 1999. Satan´s Mercies - The History of American Film -. A detailed history of American cinema 1894-2000. Publication pending.
Awards 2004 - Pre-production Grant for We have Conquered the World. 2004-Writing Grants for Satan’s Mercies - The History of American Film -from Hagþenkir. 2003 - Travel grant from Hagþenkir for The History of American Film and honorary grant for past publications. 2002. - A grant from Hagþenkir for past work in the field of documentary filmmaking. 2001- A grant from Hagþenkir for past work in the field of documentary filmmaking. 2000- 5 million Yen production grant for Japanese Mornings from The Japan World Exhibition Commemorative Fund. 2000- 1.5 million Yen production grant for Japanese Mornings from The Japan Foundation. 2000 -Received grant from Hagþenkir - The Society of Academic Writers - for pre-production for documentary Herr Doktor Lundborg. 1999 -Received grant from Hagþenkir - The Society of Academic Writers - for pre-production for documentary Herr Doktor Lundborg. 1998 - Grant recipient. Kurt Weill Foundation of Music in New York. 1998 - Winner of International Essay Competition for “The Ties that Bind”. Two week study tour of Japan in September 1998 as winner of said competition. 1998 - Received grant from Hagþenkir - The Society of Academic Writers - in recognition for work in the field of television. Research grant for Satan´s Mercies - The History of American Film – from Hagþenkir in June, 2004.
Films - as writer, producer, director The Saga of Sverrir, Japanese Mornings, Science Astray Thorvald the Traveller, The Freebie - NYU, The Male Angst of a Corpse - NYU, What the Bagel Dreamt - NYU, American Foreign Policy - NYU, The Chase - NYU, Mood Piece - NYU, Dylan Thomas in America - NYU.
Screenplays Baptism of Fire ,The Conductor of Blackpool, Catiline, Romeo and Juliet, Artful Seductions - with Einar Örn Gunnarssson, The Demon Lover,The Seven Cities- Work in progress,The 654th Brigade, Triptich.
Documentary scripts Cry Wolf, The New Age, Science Astray, Herr Doktor Lundborg, Japanese Mornings, The Saga of Sverrir, -We have conquered the World! - With Birgir Thor Möller. Work in progress.
Major Radio Series “We have conquered Britain” A series about the life of Julius Agricola and his conquest of Britain. “Kurt and Lenya“ A series on German-born composer Kurt Weill and his wife Lotte Lenya. Sponsored by the Kurt Weill Foundation of Music. Broadcast in September 1999.