A Tasty Mortal
by Len Selwood
StoriesArchiveAboutHome
We owe it all to Marty. If it were not for this noble English Knight of the Road we may all have been swamped by those creatures. Marty, the unsung hero of our day. His sacrifice saved the world.
If you wish to hear his story it will cost you a pint or two depending on his thirst of the day.
As one listened to Marty, a feeling of utter disbelief grew; even when his tale was told there remained the same conviction that this could never have happened... but a doubt nagged at the mind.
Marty related the facts, simply and honestly, occasionally injecting an obscene adjective to give weight to his words. He was a man who had little to fear from his fellow man for he posed a threat to no-one. Now, well past his prime, he lived in the alms houses at the end of the village. An independent spirit has scant concern for the attitude of others. It did not matter to Marty if you liked him or not – a rare quality in man that brings with it a freedom of expressing what he truly feels. And so it was this quality that permeated Marty's story.
"It was nearly forty years ago now; I came down from London and was doing Cornwall at the time and things were going nicely. I made a few quid repairing the roof of this barn... did a nice job, even if I says it meself." Marty took another swallow from the tankard of his favourite black stuff - my mandatory ticket to his world of memories.
"I 'ad a few offers for odd jobs from other farmers but I'd made enough to keep me going for a few weeks and the feet were getting itchy again, so I knew it was time to be on me way. Well, I decides to 'ike it down to Falmouth – suppose I felt like a breath of sea air or summink – anyway, the people at the farm whose barn I'd done, gives me enough grub to last me a few days and I promises to come back some time or other. They were nice people, y'know, very genuine; you don't meet many genuine people nowadays." He took up his tankard and poured the remaining liquid down his throat, put the tankard down in front of me and wiped the froth from his unkempt beard.
I signalled to the landlord to re-fill Marty's tankard , and with a little smile Marty nodded his thanks.
"It was a long way I 'ad to go so I cuts meself an extra leg..." I knew he meant a stout trimmed branch that would serve as a staff... "and I sets off to a patch where I thought I might bed down for the night. I knew this farm that 'ad a good gaffer, I'd done work for 'im previous-like, and 'e wouldn't mind me sleeping in 'is barn. Nice it is sleeping in a barn.
"When I gets there, the bloody gaffer's sold out to some snotty-nose git who tells me to piss off. Mean sod, 'e was. Said 'e 'll set the dogs on me if I don't clear out quick-like."
Marty snorted and his deeply lined face broke into a grin.
"I told 'im I was a gypsy and I would put a curse on 'im. You should 'ave seen 'is face. It goes all purple an' 'e takes a running kick at me! Well I was much younger in them days so I nips out of the way just in time, an' 'e goes arse over tit. I scarpered quick-like. Can't ever go back there again. I sometimes wonder what 'appened to 'im... probably died of 'igh blood pressure, poor sod." Marty took another long sip.
"Well, that meant it was an open night for me, but the weather was nice. I've spent many a night under the stars... so long as it don't rain, you're alright.
"On the way I meets up with a bloke I'd met before. We all called 'im 'Smiley' on account of the fact that 'e always 'ad such a miserable look on 'is face. We 'ad a sort of code among us travellers and Smiley 'ad 'alf a bottle of wine and I 'ad these sandwiches; so we settled down together for the night.
"We chin-wagged a lot about where we 'ad been and all that, and I tells Smiley about the barn roof I'd done. I should 'ave known better. I thought I saw 'is eyes light up... Anyway, it gets dark so we bunk down for the night – Smiley on one side of the fire and me on the other.
"Well, what 'appens? Smiley soon begins to snore like a bloody walrus. Then I drops off. I don't know 'ow long I was asleep but I wakes up all sudden-like and there was Smiley... gorn! I 'eard 'im pushing 'is way through the bushes as if the devil was after 'im!
"I takes one look at me boot and I know what's 'appened. The bleeder 'ad taken it off and pinched me money. Clever bastard! 'Ow 'e knew I kept it in me boot I shall never know. Yes, dead clever 'e was... must 'ave been to get me boot off without waking me 'cos I'm normally a light sleeper.
"Well I goes after 'im like a shot and with only one boot on. As I said, I was much younger in them days and Smiley was getting on a bit, but could the old geezer run! You should 'ave seen 'im go! Anyway I catches up with 'im in this farmyard. 'e jumps over this fence and lands smack in the middle of a pigsty. I goes after 'im and 'e fights like a bloody tiger. You should 'ave 'eard the noise! What with the pigs squealing, Smiley yelling blue murder and when the dogs start to bark that sets of all the cows and the chickens.
Marty laughed again and the level in his tankard dropped another inch.
"Anyway, I gets me money back. Smiley scarpers off... I never did see 'im again... and I 'ightails it back to to the camp as all the lights in the farmhouse go on. I finds me other boot but I know I can't stay there. The people in the farm would be out with shotguns or they might 'ave called the rozzers; so I packs up me things and gets out.
"I wanted to put a few miles between me and the farm so I trots along for about an hour 'til I came to the edge of this wood. I found a nice spot there. By now I was dog-tired and it wasn't long before I goes back to sleep."
Marty paused, finished off his drink and looked expectantly at me. His tankard was re-filled.
"Well it was just when the sun was coming up. I was fast asleep when I felt this poking. I opened me eyes and I thought I was still dreaming. This thing was in front of me and it was poking me with one of 'is sort-of long arms."
"What was it like, Marty? What did it look like?" I asked.
"Y'know everyone I tells me story to asks the same questions and I tells them the same answer. I shall never forget that 'orrible thing. It's just like I can see it now, standing there..." He pointed to an empty space by the side of the bar.
"It was about this tall," he moved his hand palm down to the level of his chin."...and it was like a large ball with pimply green skin, not quite round but I remember the sun shining on the warts and things all over it. It didn't 'ave a 'ead. No, but it 'ad two large eyes and what looked like a mouth between the eyes. You could say it was all 'ead, but it 'ad two legs and at least six arms. Well I thought they was arms 'cos one of 'em was still poking at me and it 'ad sort of fingers at the ends of these arms. I know that it 'ad bloody great big feet but I don't know if it 'ad any toes, not that I remember.
"I tell you now, I could not believe me eyes. Well when it starts poking me again I jumps up and grabs me stick. I must 'ave been yelling or something 'cos this thing steps back and its
big eyes just stare at me. Then I sees another of these things; it comes wobbling over dragging its long arms on the ground and the two of 'em 'ave a sort of conversation. At least I suppose it was... they made bubbley noises to each other.
"I've never been so scared in all me life. I couldn't run, not with the bushes behind me, and in front of me was these two bloody great balls of I dunno what! There they were, they kept pushing out one of their long arms and poking me with their fingers. I kept pushing them away. Then suddenly one of the arms grabs me and before my very eyes snips off one of me fingers!
"The funny thing is that it didn't 'urt one bit. One minute it it was there and the next it was gorn! As I sits 'ere' today I swear that there was no pain and no blood but me sodding finger 'ad gorn!"
Marty held up his left hand to reveal one thumb and three fingers.
"You know what 'e does with me finger? 'e pops it into 'is mouth and starts to eat it! I knew then that what I thought was 'is mouth... was 'is mouth!"
"Then 'e steps back, making loud, 'orrible bubbling noises and spits me finger out...' alf-eaten!
"Well I decides to give 'im another taste. This time a taste of me stick! I wops 'im one. It was like 'itting a melon. This thing just squeals and bubbles, making a noise to turn your stomach, not that me stomach was the right way up at the time!
"I yells as loud as I can and 'its 'im again. This time 'e backs off and I sees me chance. I'm off like a shot and when I looks back I sees both of these things scarpering away in the opposite direction."
Marty took a long sip at his drink. The pause allowed his words to sink in. He began again.
"Well, you can imagine 'ow I felt. All I wanted to do was get away. Me 'eart was beating so fast that I 'ad to stop. It was then that I 'eard this sort of soft 'umming sound and over the other side of the trees I sees this big metal thing shoot up into the air. Went like a bullet. Up in the clouds as clean as a whistle and it was gone..."
Marty leaned back and shifted his position in the chair.
"That was my experience. I've told me story to many people just like I told it to you. I don't care whether you believe me or not. But I will tell you this. About a week after it 'appened I came across a copy of the local paper down there. Never read the papers normally, don't interest me, but I came across this."
Marty delved into one of the many pockets of his battered jacket and carefully removed an envelope in which there was an old newspaper cutting, carefully preserved between protective folded sheets of brown paper.
"There you are. Read it out." So I did.
"UFO IN BARCHESTER? That's the headline." I said.
"I know that! Go on..."
As I read aloud the look on Marty's face became fixed. His eyes clearly showed that he was re-living this past experience. His lips moved in silent unison to the words as I quoted from that old newspaper cutting.
On Sunday 17th June at approximately 6 am Mr Daniel Matthews, owner of Little Meadow Farm and a Member of the Barchester Parish Council, saw a large object rising rapidly from the edge of Pannets Wood which borders the northern end of Mr Matthew's land. This sighting by Councillor Matthews was corroborated by Postmistress Mrs Alice Tucker and by others in the area. Councillor Matthews described the object. 'It was like a flattened rugby ball, almost silent, just a slight humming sound, then it rose at tremendous speed and was gone in a matter of moments.' Mrs Tucker said that it looked like the lid of a dustbin. 'I really couldn't tell because it went so fast.' Investigations by the local Police revealed a small area of burned and blackened undergrowth at the spot indicated by Councillor Matthews. A spokesman for the Police said that a full investigation would be carried out but at this stage the most likely explanation was that someone had started a fire and what had been observed was the smoke rising from the flames. The spokesman added 'We receive such reports from time to time. Usually they have a perfectly logical explanation. Councillor Matthews remains unconvinced.
I finished reading and Marty carefully re-foldered the cutting. "There you are!" He smiled triumphantly.
"Hmmm..." I commented. It seemed to be the only thing to say.
"But," said Marty, "now I come to me piece of resistance. The final evidence you might say."
With a furtive look over his shoulder Marty dug again into one of his copious pockets. He produced a grubby, once-white handkerchief the corners of which had been folded one over the other to form a small parcel. "I don't show this everyone."
He carefully unfolded each corner of the handkerchief to reveal a small leather-like object almost black with a slight greenish tinge. It was about two inches in length. "Y'know I says I wacked the creature with me stick, well, a little while later I finds this stuck on the end. It's a piece of its skin. It was slimy then and bright green but it shrunk over the years and sort of 'ardened, but it's genuine – real kosher – worth more than gold and diamonds. I wouldn't sell it for anything... no, never."
Marty was beaming, his broad smile showed his lack of teeth. His impish face and open eyes gave him an air of innocence, of honesty...
"What do you think these – er - creatures were, Marty"
"It's obvious ain't it. Now I sees it like this. Up there, in the sky, among the millions of stars and planets, there must be other worlds what 'as life on them. Stands to reason don't it? Maybe not like our life, similar but not the same. Well, there's one common numerator for all life, and that's food... right? Well I think that up there on this world where these things live it gets a bit tight on the old food supply. They find that they are running a bit short in the old larder. So what do they do? They sends out to other worlds looking for grub."
Marty nodded at his own logic and continued.
"Now they finds out that on Earth there are millions of people so they decides to come down and 'ave a look. As I see it, there ain't no vegetarians up there, they are all meat eaters and we 'uman beings are, to them, like a plate of sausages and chips."
Marty took another sip.
"So they comes down 'ere' and the first 'uman they runs into is me. They decide to 'ave a taster, and they nips off one of me fingers. It's a really 'orrible taste! They whips back to tell
the others that 'umans ain't fit for creature consumption. So they decide to leave us alone... there you 'ave it, the full story. Stands to reason, don't it?"
I nodded. "We have a lot to thank you for Marty."
"Yes, you're right. But if you wants me honest opinion I think the medals should go to old Smiley.
"Why is that?"
"Well if Smiley 'adn't pinched me money and we 'adn't 'ad that fight, then things may 'ave been very different for the world."
"How do you mean, Marty?"
"Well, when this creature nips off me finger and 'as a good chew, 'e wasn't to know I was covered all over in pig shit, was 'e? Oh, I see my glass is empty."
©2005 By Len Selwood